Chemo Mosquitoes

You know those super annoying people that complain they have "sweet blood" and get more bug bites than other people? I'm one of them. After all the genetic tests I've had to do lately, I half expected at least one of them to come back as positive for "especially delicious to mosquitoes and horse flies." Apparently that gene wasn't on the panel for testing.

One of the alleged benefits of chemo — besides potentially saving my life — is that it would make me less attractive to bugs. Or, at the very least, the bugs would die after biting me and I could get my petty vengeance as some kind of reverse vampire.

Well after a weekend in the North Woods I am here to report that is complete and utter bullshit.

My current bug bite count is 18 (which admittedly is a record low for me; usually I can safely bet I'll come back with bug bites numbering in the mid-twenties if not thirties.) Apart from the mosquitoes I killed with bug zappers or my hands (the OG bug zappers) I'm pretty positive all the ones that bit me continued on their merry way, very much alive. Which now makes me wonder — did I give those mosquitoes cancer?

Maybe more importantly, are there now deer wandering around the Upper Peninsula of Michigan losing their hair because they were bit by a chemo mosquito?

Are there bears asking each other if the fresh water from the lake tastes a little metallic these days?

Are birds falling from the sky mid-flight because they simply can't stay awake?

I hope the poor animals at least realize they can play the Cancer Card now. They can capitalize on the other deer and bears and birds feeling sorry for them to get out of animal chores. "Sorry, can't hunt today, I have a weird tingly feeling in my paws — would you mind killing something for me and I'll eat it later after a quick hibernation?"

Thankfully there are only about five humans in the UP at any given time so I don't have to worry too much about infected people on my conscience. But be warned: I was eaten alive everywhere I went, which means I've unwittingly created an army of cancer bugs that's stationed all over Bond Falls.

And if it turns out I have some weird mutant form of cancer that's primarily passed to humans through bug bites — which really is as good an explanation as any for my mystery diagnosis that's stumped every doctor so far — watch out for those mother-suckers the next time you're in the UP.