Not Dead Yet

"THE SCAN WAS GOOD!"

My doctor said it as soon as she walked in the door. "I won't make you wait," she said, after making me wait all week. "The scan was good! You're done with chemo. See you in 3 months for another scan!"

I AM DONE WITH CHEMO!

I AM DONE WITH CANCER!

This is the best news I've ever received in my life.

It's also the most anticlimactic feeling I've ever experienced.

Somehow, the ceiling didn't open up to rain confetti and balloons over us when the doctor delivered the good news. There wasn't a surprise mariachi band waiting behind the door. We hugged and wiped the tears from our eyes, but the world stayed spinning exactly as it had throughout all the chaos of the past year. How rude of it to not revolve around me at a time like this!

Even my body wasn't reacting the way I expected it to - why is my brain only playing radio static? Why do I feel so suddenly and thoroughly exhausted instead of alive, screaming and jumping for joy?!

Turns out it takes some time to adjust after forcing your body and mind into nonstop survival mode for 10 months straight.

In the days after I met with my doctor, I thought the cancer cloud of impending doom that's been lingering over everything would blow away completely. Instead it seems to have settled itself into a far less ominous little rain cloud. That's ok. I can handle a little rain now that the sun is back.

The joy comes in bursts and is all-consuming. Pretty much every time I get to have the thought "I don't have cancer!" I feel like I am made of sunlight. Saying those words out loud still feels like a jinx - even writing them in this blog post is making me paranoid - but hearing them in my own head every morning is so lovely.

So is knowing that as good as I feel now, I'll continue to physically feel even better over the next few weeks and months. My hair is already starting to grow back. (Oh, how I've missed having eyebrows!) Two mile coffee walks are a regular part of my life again. And I have plans! Today and tomorrow and months in the future, I finally can make plans!

This chapter of my life may not be "over" with the finality I'd like it to be. There are still plenty of scary scans and sleepless nights ahead of me, not to mention all the stressful life things that have been put on hold or building up while I was busy trying to not die. But I am thrilled to leave this mess of a year behind me. I mean, I know I made a lot of jokes along the way but guys - A cancer diagnosis at age 26? NINE rounds of chemo? An intense surgery that permanently altered my body chemistry in ways I'm still learning about? THAT WAS ALL VERY AWFUL! TERRIBLE! Traumatizing, in fact! Worst year of my life, 0 out of 10, would not recommend getting cancer.

I have earned some celebration. And celebrate I shall from now until further notice.

I'M NOT DEAD YET BITCHES!!!